Monday, 18 January 2016

DEAR FREYA

Dear Freya,

I'm sorry I didn't keep up to date with my pregnancy updates, but if I'm totally honest, it wasn't the nicest of times for me. I suffered with sickness right up until you were born (even on the day I was waiting to be induced I was being sick!) and I also had fairly bad SPD which meant moving around was incredibly painful and don't even get me started on what turning over in bed was like! I was miserable if truth be told. I hated being pregnant and I'm sure your daddy will tell you all about how horrible I was one day. It was just a means to an end. The only way I would get to meet my baby. My beautiful baby girl. You.


Minutes old.
You kept us waiting though, Freya. You must have wanted mummy to fully appreciate not being pregnant once it was over as you were a full 14 days late (and if you'd been born less than two hours later than you were it would have been 15 days!). You were born on the 4th of December 2015 at 22.24 weighing 8lb 14oz which is almost spot on for what your growth scans were predicting. Holding you in my arms for the first time was so surreal. It was almost as if  my brain was only just processing that I'd been growing an actual human that your daddy and I would have to love and take care of, not just an alien who I would never meet. I lost a lot of blood after your birth, and had to have a fair few stitches, but I was so wrapped up in either staring into your eyes or watching your daddy tentatively hold you for the very first time that I have barely any recollection of the doctors or nurses or midwives and I remember that time with a fondness I can't put into words. You were breastfed for the first 3 days of your life, but you were a hungry little human and we quickly swapped to formula after two nights of no sleep and almost constant feeding. You slept for 4 hours after your first formula feed and we have never looked back, even if I do miss being the only person who could feed you.

I did mean to document my pregnancy with you. I so wanted you to be able to look back on these posts when you're older and have an insight into your parents lives at that time but I just couldn't keep it up and I think that is something I will regret for a long time, I'm trying to make it up though. I want to use this blog to write to you whenever I feel like it, and you'll have these to look back on instead. I might even get your daddy to write to you too but he's not too good at sharing his feelings most of the time (although you'll know that by the time you come to read these). 

5 weeks old - our first family photo.
At the time of me writing this I am curled up on the sofa while you're fast asleep and snoring in your bouncer on the other side of our tiny living room. I don't know if you'll remember this house or not by the time you read this but it's the second home your daddy and I have had together. It's only small: a kitchen and living room downstairs with two bedrooms upstairs plus the bathroom, but it's ours, and we love it. You are 6 weeks and 3 days old today. I've just written a facebook status (is facebook still around?) about how I'm using a youtube video of a man shushing to keep you asleep so I can finally write this. You're going through a wonder weeks leap right now and you're being a little more demanding than usual. All you want to do is feed and sleep face down on my chest, which I love don't get me wrong! There's nothing better than feeling the weight of your sleeping body on my chest, but I want to start writing to you so badly and there's no better time than the present so I had to find a way to keep you asleep all the while you aren't asleep on me. 

You are so clever, Freya. I know all parents say this about their new babies but you honestly are. You were holding your head up on your own for a few seconds from the day after you were born and you were giving us (very sporadic but definitely real) smiles from around 3 weeks old. You smile all the time now, especially in the morning. You are at your happiest when you first wake up and will lay in your moses basket kicking your arms and legs around like a lunatic for a good 30 minutes before you want my attention. Your leg muscles are getting incredibly strong along with your neck muscles and you love standing up on mummy or daddy's legs. You are obsessed with lights (as all baby's are) and the colour red seems to be your favourite so far. You hate being faffed with so are still spending the majority of your days in sleep suits (which I love secretly as big girl clothes make you look too big!) and your feet are far too skinny to wear any of your cute soft baby shoes yet.

Almost 7 weeks old and still too skinny for shoes!

Writing all this down is making me feel a lot of things. I am so proud of how well you're doing, and I am so proud of your daddy and I for doing such a good job of growing you and keeping you alive and well. But I am also incredibly sad at how quickly you are growing up. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was moaning about how I was going to be pregnant forever and now you're already almost 7 weeks old and developing a personality of your own (any bad traits come from your dad, by the way!).

We have no plans to give you a sibling any time soon. We want to enjoy you on your own for as long as we can. We want you to get our full time and attention and not have to share us with anyone else. We also want to get your full time and attention, so it's a bit of a selfish decision on our part really. We are aiming for a 4-5 year age gap between you and your first brother or sister, but if it turns out to be less or more than that then we will still be happy that we have given you a playmate and we have given ourselves someone else to love and fill our hearts with. We want you to grow up surrounded by love, Freya, and so far that's definitely going to plan. You have four aunties and one uncle at the moment, with another on the way. Oh, did I forget to mention? Nanny Jennie is pregnant at the time of me writing this. Your baby uncle is due at the end of February so will be around 3 months younger than you when he arrives. You have one cousin so far who absolutely adores you. Thomas is 3 years old now and is warming up to you on a daily basis. He was a bit scared of you to begin with, you make a lot of noise you know and he wasn't sure on how to deal with it, but now he loves to hold you and help feed you or change your nappy. You have an array of nicknames (Freya Doodle, Freya Bear, even Freya the Gayer occasionally from Granddad Brian) but Tom is like the name police. Whenever he hears anyone call you something that isn't your proper name he bellows "NO IT'S NOT FWEYA DOODLE, IT'S FWEYA A WHEEEEEZE (he can't quite say Freya-Louise yet).

I keep looking over to check you're still asleep. I've moved on to a baby mozart video now as the shushing was driving me crazy. You look so peaceful and I wish your daddy was here to see. Your daddy works 5 days a week at the moment and misses you like crazy when he isn't here. You must miss him too I think as you turn into the biggest daddy's girl in the world the second he walks through the door at 6pm every night. I like leaving you two to have some time together, I sometimes feel like I am not grateful enough for all the time I get with you and seeing your daddy so happy to see you -after a long day at work really makes me appreciate having all day with you - even if you are hard work some days.
I think I'm going to stop writing now, baby. My hands are cold, you'll be waking up for a feed soon and I need to decide on something for dinner before daddy gets home (exhilarating, I know). I'm going to try so hard to keep this up, Freya. I want to write your birth story next I think, while it's still fresh in my mind, so when you're 14 and asking me to tell you all about it I won't feel bad if my memory is a little hazy. 

I love you so much, Fweya-Wheeze.

Lots of love, 

Mummy x