I am so broody. I think it's because Freya is so far out of that new born stage now that she may as well be 12 years old and walking to school on her own. Don't get me wrong, I love watching her grow up and seeing her learn new things every day fills my heart with more happiness than I ever imagined it would, but I miss those teeny tiny new baby days. I miss her sleeping on my chest and not stretching out across my entire torso. I miss her little swollen face and only being able to cradle her in my arms rather than having to sit her on my hip because she's so desperate to take in everything around her.
I didn't think I would feel like this so soon. I thought I would swan through her first year and look forward to the day she sleeps through the night or feeds herself so I had an extra ten minutes to get stuff done. But I do feel this way, and I'm scared of her growing up. Not for her, I know she will have a wonderful childhood, but scared for me. What if we never have another baby and I never get to know that new born need again? I'm being selfish, I do know that, but Freya is so independant at such a young age I'm starting to feel a little bit redundant already.
She's definitely a mummy's girl, there's no doubt about that, but realising she doesn't need me as much as she used to is sad. Of course she still needs me in general, but there was a time where she would only settle from a meltdown for me, or fall asleep on me, and now she'll happily settle on a few people and quite often when it's just the two of us at home she'll take herself off to sleep without even being held. She tries to hold her bottle when she's being fed and she watches people like a hawk when they're eating, even follows a piece of food with her eyes if she's close enough to see it properly.
I don't know why all these changes have hit me so hard. I knew it was going to happen and that she wouldn't be a new born for long. Heck, I had enough people telling me she wouldn't be small for long and that time would go so quickly before she was even here. I just think I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. It feels like a lifetime ago that we brought our sweet baby girl home for the first time. She was two days old and we were so blissfully happy, and we still are that happy, but that new family bubble has definitely burst. She fits so easily into our lives now it's like she's always been there and I can hardly remember that sleep-deprived-zombie-like first few weeks.
I'm not even entirely convinced I do want another baby so soon, and I'm definitely in no rush to have another one, I think I just want time with this baby to slow down. Like, really slow down. I spend all day every day with Freya and I still don't feel like I fully appreciate how lucky I am to be with her all the time. Sometimes I'll be watching her and realise she's doing something new or making a sound I've never heard before and I can't remember when she started doing it. The whole reason I wanted to be a stay at home mum was to soak every single second with my daughter up, and I don't feel like I'm capable of doing that at the rate she's changing.
But every mum must feel like this, right? All babies change at an incomprehensible rate and all babies start needing their mummy and daddy less the older they get. And I imagine that this feeling never goes away, no matter how old your baby is. I can picture myself sobbing into a box of eclairs on Freya's first day of school wailing about how I'm sure it was only yesterday I was breast feeding her in a hospital bed and now she just thinks the sole purpose of boobies is to keep mummy's knees warm in the winter.
But that's life I suppose. Things change, even when you don't want them to, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have been blessed with my daughter, and although time is going way too quickly for my liking, I can't wait to see what type of person she grows into. I hope she's kind and caring, strong and confident. I hope she knows that she can do absolutely anything she sets out to do and that as long as she tries her best we will be as proud of her as humanly possible. I hope she knows her mummy and daddy love her more than anything on this entire Earth and that we would never ever change anything about her. I hope that she is happy.
Thanks for reading,
Grace x
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