Monday, 25 July 2016

I AM BROODY

There. I've said it. I am broody. More broody than I ever thought I could be. I was broody before Freya was conceived. I was so ready to be a mum and to have a small human to care for and love with every part of me and she has been everything I could ever wish for and more. But this is different. Now I know how amazing being a mother is, I just want ALL THE BABIES. Freya brings so much joy to our lives, and if I could bottle and sell the way she makes me feel I 100% would. I've never, ever been happier. Yes, I have eye bags bigger than you'd believe, my house is never as tidy as I would like and I haven't had a full nights sleep since before she was born. But I'm happy. I have the most amazing little family and all I want to do is add to it. 
3 Days Old
But then I remember that Freya is only 8 months old (almost). She's still so tiny and new. Obviously she's so much more independent than when she was first born but she still needs a lot of me. I was so poorly during the majority of my pregnancy with Freya and I don't know how I would cope if a second pregnancy was the same. Is it selfish of us to want another baby already? Would we cope with two under two? Would Freya miss out because we decided to have another baby so soon after she was born? Would she grow up thinking we'd started to get bored with her and that's why her and her sibling are so close in age? I have so many fears and worries about having another baby. People keep telling us we need to have a few years to enjoy Freya, but would having another baby really stop us from enjoying her? I don't think so. I will always love and enjoy my daughter, whether she's an only child or one of ten. Realistically I know we could give Freya and any brothers or sisters she ever had everything they could ever need, and I know that although it would be hard, we'd manage just fine. 
4 Weeks Old
Practicality wise, though, it's a bit of a different story. I've mentioned before that we live in a very small house. We only have two bedrooms; one fairly big master bedroom and one teeny, tiny box room. Freya has the box room at the moment and there's just enough space for her cot, changing table and chest of drawers but not much else. She doesn't have a huge amount of floor space to play on and she doesn't have enough space for a anything like a table and chairs, or a teepee. We couldn't swap rooms around because you couldn't fit a double bed in the small room (yep, it's that small) and if we ever had a son the two of them wouldn't be able to share a room anyway. 
My sister and I, aged 12 and 13. 
It's a tough one, this. My little sister and I are only 15 months apart. I was six months old when my mum fell pregnant with her, and although we fought like cat and dog over silly things like stealing each other's clothes and makeup during our teenage years, we actually have an amazing relationship and an amazing bond. We're both so protective over our little brothers, one who is 16 and our newest baby brother who is only 4 months old (I am 20 and my sister is almost 19), and we're like a team. I want Freya to have that. I want Freya to grow up with a best friend who she loves more than life itself. I want her to be able to learn how to share and play, and I want her to feel the same responsibility of being a big sister as I did and still do. 
Me, My Brother & My Sister
I think it's probably quite obvious that I'm incredibly torn about whether to have another baby or not. There are so many amazing reasons, and I have so much mummy love to give. But I also want Freya to feel like she has the best of us. She is the absolute centre of our universe and I'm not sure I want to take that away from her just yet. 

I think I've got some big decisions to make. 

Thanks for reading, 

Grace x